Some people don't mind pigeons. Other people in other places in New York –– Mike Tyson, from Brownsville, say, or Bert, from "Sesame Street" -- love pigeons. Here in Port Washington, we loathe pigeons, despise them, as Diane said to Sam, "with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns."
So we contracted the architectural firm of Torquemada & Sade to devise a way to keep the pigeons away from the train station. Borrowing ideas from the Iron Maiden and the "hedgehog" obstacles from the Normandy landing, the architects have laid no fewer than 8 million pencil-like barbs across every beam and flat surface at the train station. Because nothing says "Please keep off" like a razor-tipped spike up the anus.
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